Resentment & Sex in Relationships

How it all starts?

We all know those moments in relationships: we have certain expectations and fantasies about the person we love and how they should be treating us. Inevitably, the time comes when our loved one somehow disappoints us. Most of the time, it’s nothing big. A small annoyance. Then another one. Then, a gesture you perceive as a rejection, or a careless phrase that makes you feel unseen. It stings, and then you pull back.

Seemingly, things go back to normal, but every now and then a small rejection comes your way, criticism accumulates, you start feeling a mix of anger and disappointment, you feel like you’re not appreciated or that you are, downright, a victim of injustice. You may struggle to rationalize this to yourself: after all, those are all small things, but the negative feelings lingers and you choose to pull away at times - to protect yourself. As you pull away from your partner once, twice, you find yourself distant and your sense of injustice and disappointment becomes a mood.

The word we use to describe this complicated and difficult feeling is resentment.

If resentment could speak, it would say: „You’re not appreciating what I have to offer!“ or „Why are you pushing me away, don’t you see I’m trying?!“ Present in relationships with our loved ones, it tells us we’re experiencing a betrayal.

What do we resent?

Resentment is a very complex phenomenon and, in fact, many researchers can’t seem to decide if it’s an emotion or a mood. Its causes are complex and its expressions diverse. Generally speaking, we can say that we’re likely to feel resentment when:

·        Our perspective isn’t appreciated or understood

·        We feel like an object and not as a person, when we feel we’re being used

·        We are held to unrealistic, high standards

·        We feel we’re set up to fail no matter what we do

·        Our efforts and achievements aren’t recognized

·        We feel rejected or neglected

·        We feel put down.

Resentment and intimacy

When you start feeling resentment in your relationship, it creates a kind of a wall between you and your partner. That wall creates a lack of intimacy and a sense of distance. It’s easy to find oneself unwilling to forgive in anticipation of an apology that never comes. The wall between you and your partner is self-protection.

As resentment accumulates, we feel angrier, we get frustrated faster. Slowly, we lose patience with our partner all too easily and we express frustration at the tiniest inconvenience. Even further: it’s truly difficult to forgive for even the smallest perceived transgression. Time goes by – not even that much time – and suddenly the person we were intimate just with becomes someone we feel uneasy around, hostile to and often bitter if they ask us for anything.

The next logical step in the sequence may be to start avoiding your partner. You stop spending as much time together, you begin sleeping on the opposite ends of the bed (or in different beds!), your interactions become colder, less frequent, and perhaps even passive - aggressive. Consequently, conversations die down, activities you used to do together cease.

Resentment and sex

An underlying theme may be obvious here: initial resentment creates distance and that distance leads to a loss of intimacy, reinforcing both the distance and the resentment. Without realizing, you and your partner may end up stuck in a vicious cycle that will eventually wipe away all the tenderness from your relationship, and furthermore – your sex life too. After all, it’s hard to be sexually attracted to your partner when resentment ends closeness, intimacy and, sometimes, even a sense of safety.

Worst case scenario, you may find yourself in a sexless relationship. A scenario that isn’t as rare as one might think. The US General Society Survey from 2018 indicated that up to 19% of adults find themselves in what we may define as a sexless relationship!

True enough, some people might be happy in a relationship without sex, but if the relationship is sexless because of resentment, it’s quite likely that no one is happy in such a relationship. Sexless relationships may lead to feelings like guilt and loneliness. Both partners can begin to doubt their physical appearance and even worth. 

One can make a convincing case that a relationship can survive without intimacy or sex, and they wouldn’t be entirely wrong. Sexual desire isn’t the same for everyone and some people feel comfortable in relationships without sex or even without intimacy. It becomes a problem when two people who don’t want that kind of a relationship find themselves in one because there’s so much resentment brewing between them.

How to heal?

Resentment is a powerful force, one that ruins relationships.

At its core, the issue with resentment is that it prevents us from forgiving the person we love. Forgiveness often becomes hard because it implies letting go of our own pain and hurt. To move on, means to be willing to be vulnerable in front of the person that has repeatedly mistreated us. This requires faith and courage. Most of all, it requires time.

I will outline some helpful steps here, but keep in mind that each step is a process. Healing is never fast, so you have no choice but to be patient, I’m afraid.

·        Be brave enough to open up to your partner. Being vulnerable is both hard and scary, but there’s no way to start working on a problem unless it’s been accepted and talked about.

·        Schedule time for activities you both enjoy together.

·        Go on your second first date and get to know each other with fresh eyes.

·        Work on reestablishing intimacy through touch and conversations.

·        Reexamine your relationship to sex by making it more playful. Don’t be attached to an outcome and enjoy the process. Learning how to play creatively will help you rediscover each other and lower the pressure of high expectations.

·        Communicate clearly and honestly, check in with each other and make sure that you’re both on track.

·        Practice compassion for your partner and self-compassion. There is no better antidote to anger than compassion.

Above all, remember that a relationship isn’t a static thing. It’s a process, more than anything else. It’s plastic, it continuously gets reshaped according to life circumstances and needs and emotions of both partners. Relationships, like individuals that comprise them, have great capacity for transformation. All change, however, takes time, so don’t rush and don’t push as doing that will likely reinforce your resistance and trap both of you, once more, in that nasty cycle of resentment. Let the process unfold at its own pace and enjoy it.