DIY Self-Soothing Kit
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When I work with clients who have experienced trauma, struggle with anxiety or body-focused repetitive behaviors such as hair pulling and skin picking, the topic of self-soothing comes up regularly. Different people will have different ways of self-soothing and when looking for specific techniques that work, having experience with each is of utmost importance. That leads us to a period of experimentation and evaluation helps the client figure out what works for them.
Whereas finding a technique can be a lengthy process, applying it in when needed is an even greater challenge. Somatic therapists talk about „big energy“ and I find this to be a very accurate way to describe how intense emotions such as anxiety can feel to a person. Big energy is overwhelming, electrifying. It’s difficult to think clearly and analyze the situation when faced with such a force. This means that you may need something external to remind you of all the techniques you have at your disposal to soothe yourself. Paralyzed by the intensity of a feeling, your mind might not be able to come up with anything. Creating a self-soothing kit might be helpful.
Finding and decorating a box
First, find a box that you will use to house your self-soothing kit. Then, decorate the box. This is not optional, it’s a part of the process. I always encourage clients to make something on their own instead of buying generic products, because of the connection that’s forged with the act of creation. You can purchase a worry stone online and forget about it, or you can spend a few hours looking for the right one on the beach, trying out many and coming home with the one. Which one do you think you’ll remember to use?
Therefore, get an ordinary box and decorate it. Use soothing colors, shapes and materials. Add some imagines outside and inside the box that will remind you of the desired outcome of using the box: whatever you associate with calm, glue it on the box. The same goes with the use of colors to paint or cover the box with: think about colors and patterns that you find appealing and calming.
Take your time doing this and, if possible, choose a time when you’re feeling relaxed to fully enjoy the process. Creating the box is also an act of giving it meaning.
Preparing the content
Once you have your box, it’s time to prepare the content. Everything you put in the box should be carefully curated. Every item will serve the same purpose (to soothe you) but will act in a slightly different way so that you are covered in a wide spectrum of situations and for different feelings.
Memories
Go through your photo albums (or your phone, as the case may be these days) and find images that you soothe you. It’s preferable if you don’t search for these images online and instead use photographs you took yourself of photographs that others took of you or events that you participated in. They are meant to help you recall what it feels like to be calm, to transport you to a different place in time so that you can experience some of that feeling once again. Print these photos and put them in the box.
Words
Write a letter to yourself, but a gentle, compassionate letter. Write it by hand, add stickers, colors and illustrations. Pay careful attention to how you word the letter and include at least some of these elements:
Remind yourself of your resilience
Remind yourself of the qualities that you possess that you never remember when you’re feeling overwhelmed
Offer words of support
Offer compassion to yourself
When you need a kind word, you can take the letter and read it. When you’re writing it, try to remember the state of mind when you’ll actually need it and choose your words accordingly. What feels good when you’re calm may be annoying when you’re upset – keep that in mind! Don’t offer any unattainable or unrealistic promises to yourself. The letter shouldn’t be a source of sweet illusion but support in tough times.
In addition to this, you can reach out to people close to you: your partner, parents, friends you trust and ask them to write a letter for you to add to the kit. If you remember their words about you that are meaningful, put them in index cards and add them to the box too.
Self-compassion phrases are also a good idea but try to stay away from overtly positive affirmations.
Inner child comfort
When we feel vulnerable and overwhelmed, we often employ some child-like ways of thinking and behaving. This is nothing to be ashamed of; it’s normal and common to all of us. When you feel that way, then you need an “age appropriate” soothing mechanism.
If you have a childhood toy you like or even a piece of clothing that you wore as a child, put that in the box. A toy that you always wanted to have but never did as a child could also do the trick. Put a few chocolate bars or sweets that you enjoyed when you were a child.
Olfactory self-soothing
Smells can also be soothing. If there’s a perfume that you like, get a small bottle and put some in there. Aromatic oils are often pleasant to smell and can help ground you when you’re in a tough spot. If nothing comes to your mind, take a trip to the mall or a local metaphysical store and smell some essential oils. Just looking for the ones you react to can be a fun mindfulness exercise. Smell it and then pay attention to your body and how it’s reacting.
Energy managers
Sometimes you might need a more dynamic tool that might help you release some of that nervous energy stored in your body. Consider at least a few of the following:
Fidget toy
Worry stone
Stress ball
Mala beads/rosary
Sensory soothing
Especially for people struggling with trichotillomania and excoriation disorder, the sensory domain may be particularly important for self-soothing. Of course, the first thing to do is to figure out what kind of sensory stimulation helps ground you and soothe you.
I placed worry stones in another group, but they can fit into this category too. Different types of stones will have a different feel – you can find smooth, polished ones or rough ones. Rub your clothes, carpet, or different surfaces in your environment to find what works, then get a small piece of it and put it in your box.
Create textures you like using polymer clay, putty, or wood.
Sensory tools are also tools that can be found in nature – go out to a park or a beach and play with what you find there. Bring back what works and place it in the box.
Instruction cards
In times of intense anxiety, you may need to use a specific relaxation exercise, but because you might be overwhelmed it could be hard to remember to use them. Take index cards and write down clear and simple instructions for some of the following:
Self-compassion/ relaxation gestures
Breathing exercises (you can download some by clicking here)
EFT
Heavening
Butterfly hugs
5-4-3-2-1 grounding
Progressive muscle relaxation (you may want to sketch the human body and mark the order of contraction/relaxation on the drawing to keep things simple)
Relaxing yoga postures
Urge surfing
Don’t put 20 different exercises, just 3 or 4 that work. You may even want to color code them to make it easier to find the right card.
Using your self-soothing kit
You can create more than one kit, although be warned that creating and curating a good self-soothing kit isn’t a quick errand. In fact, the more time you take to bond with its content, the more likely you are to use it.
When you feel anxious or upset in any other way, find a quiet place and take your box with you. I suggest you open it and let your gaze wonder around all the objects there, move them around, see what you feel drawn to – and start there. Using the kit is also a mindfulness exercise – slow yourself down as much as you can in the moment and re-focus on the kit. One of the reasons why I emphasized color coding and using sticker is precisely because the idea is for the content of the box to attract your attention and keep your eye busy.
As you learn new techniques or find ideas that resonate with you, you can always add more to your kit. If you find that you’re not reaching for some things in the kit – remove them. Over time, using the box will help refine your self-soothing techniques, but it will also help you befriend your intense emotions. By understanding what they resonate with you will be able to differentiate them better (different feelings might be “resolved” with different tools) and understand the meaning behind them. The most important benefit of having your own self-soothing kit vs relying on your memory and experience is the wealth of alternatives that you will have at your disposal in a situation where thinking clearly might not be possible.
