Improving Relationships Through Meditations on the Four Boundless Qualities

The four boundless qualities, also known as the four immeasurables (brahmavihara), are a set of virtues/ states/ attitudes that are cultivated in Buddhism through formal meditation practice and, more importantly, by extending meditation experiences into everyday life. They can be seen as virtues in the sense that, in some instances, they are ethical basis for decision-making. These qualities are:

·        Loving-kindness (Metta): The intention and practice of well-wishing, wishing happiness, safety, and well-being to all beings, without exception. This involves us and others, even those others we don’t particularly love and care for.

·        Compassion (Karuna): The intention and practice of wishing to alleviate the suffering of all sentient beings. It involves recognizing the pain and difficulties of others and actively seeking ways to relieve their suffering.

·        Sympathetic Joy (Mudita): Recognizing and rejoicing in the happiness and success of others.

·        Equanimity (Upekkha): The intention and practice of developing a balanced and impartial state of mind towards all beings, regardless of their circumstances or behavior. It involves cultivating a sense of peace and stability, and letting go of biases, preferences, and judgments.

These qualities are important because they help meditation practitioners cultivate positive mental states over longer periods of time (nothing sustainable comes about over night!), develop a sense of connection and empathy with others, and ultimately move towards the ultimate goal of liberation from suffering. I always like to say that being kind and compassionate is good because it leads to a little less suffering tomorrow and a little less is better than a little more. I’m the king of the obvious, I know.  Sympathetic joy encourages practitioners to appreciate and celebrate the happiness of others, it invites us to enjoy our friendships more profoundly. Finally, equanimity helps us remain calm and centered in the face of life's challenges, leading to greater resilience and a more balanced perspective on life.

Near and far enemies

In Buddhism, the term "near enemy" refers to a quality or emotion that is close in nature to a positive quality, and is, therefore, easily confused with the actual boundless quality, while it’s actually its opposite and can lead to negative consequences. The term "far enemy" refers to a quality or emotion that is completely opposite to the positive quality.

The near enemy of loving-kindness is attachment or clinging. This means that when one practices loving-kindness with the intention of receiving something in return, such as recognition or appreciation, it can become a form of attachment rather than true unconditional kindness towards others. This can lead to disappointment and frustration when others do not reciprocate in the desired way. If you expect to be validated in return, you’re not cultivating loving-kindness, it’s that simple. The far enemy of loving-kindness is ill-will or hatred. When one cultivates hatred or ill-will towards others, it leads to suffering for both oneself and others – it feels redundant having to explain it even.

Let’s move on. The near enemy of compassion is pity or sorrow. Pity involves feeling sorry for others and can create a sense of distance between oneself and others. It can also create a sense of superiority or condescension towards others. Compassion, on the other hand, involves a genuine concern for the well-being of others and a desire to alleviate their suffering. This is an important distinction to make. As a meditation teacher and a coach, I often find that people mistake pity for compassion. Sometimes I wonder if this is perhaps a culture issue, considering that four boundless qualities come from Buddhism and Buddhism is a part of a cultural tradition that has rather different premises than the world that most of us inhabit. Suffice it to say that pity is never true compassion. The far enemy of compassion is cruelty or indifference. Cruelty involves actively causing harm to others or taking pleasure in their suffering. Indifference involves a lack of concern or care for others' suffering.

The near enemy of sympathetic joy is envy or jealousy. Envy involves wanting what others have and feeling unhappy or resentful about their success or good fortune. This can lead to negative feelings towards others and a sense of competitiveness. The far enemy of sympathetic joy is indifference or apathy. Indifference involves a lack of interest or concern for others' happiness, while apathy involves a lack of emotion or feeling altogether. Both indifference and apathy are completely opposite to sympathetic joy and can lead to a sense of disconnection from others.

The near enemy of equanimity is indifference or apathy. Indifference involves a lack of interest or concern, while apathy involves a lack of feeling altogether.  Let me repeat this: equanimity is stillness, but it’s not a state of mind where you don’t care about others or don’t feel anything. Equanimity is a kind of inner strength to contain one’s feelings, to relate to them differently, but it’s not absence of feeling. The far enemy of equanimity is clinging or aversion. Clinging involves holding onto things, ideas, or people, while aversion involves pushing things away. Both clinging and aversion can create a sense of attachment or resistance, which can lead to suffering.

Jealousy and envy in relationships

To simplify this and not make this blog post a whole book, let’s consider jealousy and envy. Jealousy and envy are both emotions that involve a sense of lacking something or feeling threatened by the success or possessions of other people. While they are often used interchangeably, they have slightly different meanings. Jealousy typically involves feeling anxious or fearful that something one already has, such as a relationship, status, or possession, may be lost or taken away by someone else. Jealousy often involves a sense of possessiveness or a desire to control the situation to prevent the loss of something valuable. Envy, on the other hand, typically involves feeling a sense of inferiority or resentment towards someone who possesses something that one desires, such as success, wealth, or beauty. Envy often involves a sense of bitterness or hostility towards the person who has what one wants.

Both jealousy and envy can lead to other “negative” emotions and behaviors, such as resentment, bitterness, anger, and even aggression. Both jealousy and envy are considered unwholesome mental states by Buddhists because they lead to suffering – our own suffering and the suffering of others.

Jealousy and envy can have a significant negative impact on our relationships. These emotions often involve a sense of insecurity or lack of trust, which can create tension and conflict between individuals. The closer we are to someone, the bigger the trouble. Here are some ways jealousy and envy can affect relationships:

Distrust. When one partner experiences jealousy or envy, they may become distrustful of the other person, questioning their motives, actions, or intentions.

Possessiveness. Jealousy can lead to possessive behavior, such as wanting to control the other person's actions or whereabouts. This can create feelings of resentment or suffocation in the other person.

Comparisons. Envy can lead to comparing oneself to others, which can create feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. This can create tension or resentment towards the other person.

Competition. Both jealousy and envy can create a sense of competition between partners, leading to a lack of support or cooperation.

Insecurity. Both jealousy and envy can stem from a sense of insecurity or a fear of losing something valuable. This can create a sense of tension or anxiety in the relationship.

Cultivating loving-kindness and compassion can help us not just combat but also completely avoid these detrimental effects of jealousy and envy. Here’s what research tells us about cultivating compassion and loving-kindness:

1.      Increased positive emotions: Practicing loving-kindness/compassion meditation can increase positive emotions such as joy, gratitude, and contentment, which can lead to a greater sense of happiness and well-being.

2.      Reduced negative emotions: Cultivating compassion and loving-kindness can help reduce negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and jealousy, which can improve overall emotional balance and reduce stress.

3.      Improved relationships: Practicing the four boundless qualities can help cultivate positive qualities such as empathy, compassion, and forgiveness, which can improve relationships with others.

4.      Greater sense of connectedness: Brahmaviharas can help individuals develop a sense of connectedness and interdependence with others, which can lead to greater feelings of generosity and a sense of closeness/belonging with others.

5.      Reduced stress and anxiety: Loving-kindness meditation can help reduce stress and anxiety by promoting a sense of calm and relaxation.

6.      Improved physical health: Cultivating loving-kindness can have physical health benefits such as reducing inflammation and improving cardiovascular health.

7.      Enhanced self-esteem: Loving-kindness can help individuals develop a greater sense of self-worth and self-acceptance, which can improve overall self-esteem and confidence.

The list above is not complete. My intention was only to list several important aspects that may help you heal feelings of envy and jealousy in relationships with other people that, in turn, lead to more functional, healthier relationships. These are just seven ways in which four boundless qualities help us become better people.  

It takes four

Cultivating all four boundless qualities is important because each quality supports and strengthens the others (other than equanimity, it’s sometimes difficult to fully and clearly distinguish between them), leading to a more well-rounded and comprehensive approach to cultivating positive emotions and attitudes.

For example, cultivating loving-kindness can help us to develop a more positive and supportive approach to our relationships, while cultivating compassion can help us to develop greater empathy and understanding towards others. Similarly, cultivating sympathetic joy can help us to develop greater appreciation and gratitude for the successes and accomplishments of others, consequently increasing closeness and intimacy between two people, while cultivating equanimity can help us to develop a more balanced and grounded approach to our emotions, knowing where and how to set boundaries.

There is no fixed order in which the four boundless qualities are taught in Buddhist practice. When I teach them, I do so in the following order: loving-kindness as the foundation, then compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity in the end. For my more advanced students, we combine them in ways that suit them specifically. In general, different traditions will probably have a different order. Being practical, I teach what I was taught and what worked for me.

It is important to note that all four qualities are interrelated and mutually supportive, and it is generally recommended to cultivate all of them in order to develop a well-rounded approach to your own experience and other people’s experiences.

I fall into the category of meditation teachers who consider equanimity to be the crucial one of four, because it helps balance the other three at least insofar as personal boundaries are concerned. Equanimity allows you to say no, to not compare yourself to others, to balance giving and receiving, to see things as they are.

The challenge of equanimity

Some people may find equanimity to be the most challenging of the four boundless qualities to cultivate. In fact, in my own experience as a teacher, equanimity and joy are the most difficult ones to teach. For me, in my own practice, equanimity came most naturally. It was the one boundless quality that was already the most developed one. I was lucky, there was nothing intentional about it.

The reason why equanimity is difficult is because equanimity requires a level of detachment and non-reactivity towards both pleasant and unpleasant experiences, which can be difficult to achieve. Detachment, of course, does not mean dissociation. It means experiencing everything just doing so understanding the nature of personal experience: all of it is harmless and transitory.

Equanimity requires us to see things as they are, without getting swept up in our emotions or clinging to our desires. This can be especially challenging when we are faced with difficult situations or intense emotions.

Additionally, equanimity can be difficult to cultivate without a strong foundation in the other three boundless qualities. Without a strong sense of loving-kindness, compassion, and sympathetic joy, it can be challenging to maintain a sense of balance and non-reactivity in the face of challenging experiences. Once again: these four are all interrelated and require one another.

Changing how you relate to yourself changes your relationships as well

Ataraxia is a similar concept to equanimity. In Stoicism, ataraxia is also a state of tranquility and freedom from disturbance. For Stoics, ataraxia is achieved by living in accordance with nature and accepting the world as it is, rather than striving for pleasure or avoiding pain. Ataraxia and equanimity share non-clinging as a principle.

The Stoics believe that by living in accordance with nature (logos) and cultivating virtues, we can achieve a state of inner peace and freedom from anxiety, which leads to ataraxia. This sense of inner peace is not dependent on external circumstances, but rather comes from within. While life coaching isn’t a philosophy, Stoic philosophers share something in common with life coaches (and therapists too!) – insistence on putting our values to the test by living according to them. This is an excellent way to cultivate equanimity without meditation, and the same applies to other boundless qualities. To cultivate compassion, be a kind person, don’t just think about it.

The Stoics also believed that ataraxia was a necessary condition for eudaimonia, or a life of flourishing and fulfillment. No equanimity, no peaceful living. In Stoicism, the pursuit of ataraxia is seen as a lifelong process of self-improvement, involving the cultivation of wisdom, discipline, and self-awareness. It is not something that can be achieved overnight, but rather requires consistent effort and practice.

Ataraxia and equanimity can promote non-judgment. You see yourself exactly as you are right now. The warts and all. Non-judgment encourages us to be more aware of our thoughts and emotions without attaching a value judgment to them. This can help us better understand ourselves and make positive changes in our lives. Judging is the enemy of clarity. And without clarity, there is no acceptance. Without acceptance, there is no intentional change. Non-judgmental attitudes encourage us to be more empathetic and compassionate towards others, which can create more peaceful and harmonious relationships.

Four paths to healthy relationships

To finish this simply: healthy relationships require all four boundless qualities. Reading this you may feel like you have a lot of work in front of you and you probably do. We all do. But these qualities are our birthright. Cultivating them through meditation is not creating something new, it’s watering the seed that exists within since birth.