10 Challenges to Build Discipline
Those of you who know me, know that I’m not the biggest fan of willpower. Not that it doesn’t come in handy from time to time because it does. When you need that extra kick on a particularly difficult day, willpower can make all the difference.
The trouble with willpower is that it’s an expendable resource. You only have so much of it. When I work with my clients, my goal is to help them change in the long run and to make that change sustainable. If willpower is the only thing you rely on, change is likely to be only temporary and not very long lasting.
Instead, I propose that discipline might be the better way to go. If you think of a strict nagging teacher, an overbearing mother, or a nun when you think of discipline, do what you can to cleanse yourself of these unhelpful ideas. It’s not a very useful way to think about it. I think of discipline in very simple terms. Discipline is the capacity that allows us to direct our behavior to conform to our values.
Even if it sounds simple enough, people often fail at being disciplined, and this has to do with what’s supposed to guide the discipline – values. What we say are our values, isn’t necessarily what we actually use as our values, and when I say use, I mean what we base our decisions on.
Before you consider becoming more disciplined it’s important to learn to be honest about yourself in terms of what your values are. This process alone can be confusing and disheartening as we lay ourselves bare in our own eyes and eliminate whatever is not authentic, no matter how desirable or sweet it may sound. To determine what your value is you can think of what motivates you and follow that lead. Whatever doesn’t guide action, isn’t a value, it’s more of a proclamation. We can all make proclamations about anything we like. Turn on the TV and see what our politicians do all day. They proclaim things because of how they sound, but their actions so very rarely relate to their proclamations.
Once you understand what your values are, once you feel that they are your values, you can consider how to embody them. We embody values through goal setting and action directed towards the goals. All the details about this process are perhaps a subject matter for another blog. The takeaway here is that discipline doesn’t rely on force, but on the desire to attain a goal. Unlike willpower, with discipline, there is no need to go against the grain or swim upstream. You move in a certain direction because it deeply resonates with you.
Discipline is, however, more than just that. It’s a capacity, a skill. As such, we are not born with it, but we can all develop it. Some easier than others, but everyone can become disciplined. Once the problem of values is resolved and you know exactly what drives you, then comes the selection of the context where you will develop discipline.
To develop discipline, first realize where you already have it and then identify where you struggle with it. Find the areas in between, where you have it, but it could get better. Those are convenient areas to build more discipline, if nothing else, because you will feel reasonably confident about it. Be clear about your goals and how they relate to your values. Break up the goals into small bites and routines. Be ready to forgive yourself when you mess up and you will mess up because you’re human.
Let’s say you struggle with hair pulling. The first thing that came to my mind. And let’s say that you want to stop pulling, but discipline is a problem for you. Perhaps you start thinking about it and realize that the reward of pulling, its function, its ability to alleviate difficult emotions is just too strong right now and you often end up pulling. You try one replacement habit, two, three, five – but you give up. You’re successful for a day or three, then you forget or catch yourself pulling one day and decide all that effort was in van. Perhaps you end up thinking that discipline isn’t something that you can have at all and that you may have to resign to trichotillomania forever. You guessed it – if that were true, I wouldn’t be writing this. Perhaps what you need is a different approach, a “backdoor” for building discipline. Your healing process might take a bit longer, but it may also be less painful.
Instead of insisting on that area of your life where discipline is most needed and often so difficult to cultivate, try with areas that are important and correspond with your values, but where you think you’re doing well enough with some space for improvement – the gray area I mentioned earlier. Start with something small, but something that requires daily repetition. Challenge yourself for a month.
Here are a few suggestions for 30-day challenges:
Try intermittent fasting for a month without skipping a day.
Create a template for a short daily journal check in and spend 10 minutes reflecting on your day every evening.
Come rain or come shine, end your work at the same time every day.
Practice mindfulness 10 minutes every morning.
Learn a new language. Spend an hour every day immersed in the culture.
Buy a fish that you have to take care of daily.
Do 30 minutes of yoga per day.
Choose 4 books you always wanted to read and make schedule some time to read daily. Make it your goal to read one book per week.
Plan your meals in advance and make dinner for yourself every night for a month.
Cut back on spending. Before making a purchase, be 100% sure that it’s something you need.
Good luck!
