Compassionate Decision Making
When I teach mindfulness, I always insist on two things. First, sit daily. No excuses. Second, mindfulness doesn’t end on the cushion. The same goes for self-compassion. It’s all well and good to repeat phrases while you’re meditating, it’s even better to use visualization exercises, but what’s ultimately the only important thing is how you translate your meditative insights into your everyday life.
A good part of this „translation“ takes place spontaneously. When we meditate, we plant seeds and cultivate them (bhavana) and they slowly grow and change our thinking and affect the way we treat ourselves when we find ourselves in a tough spot. But then, there is conscious effort. Self-compassion is not going to materialize itself and some effort is needed.
We talk a lot about self-care, grounding, developing kind, nurturing self-talk, forgiveness, maintaining boundaries, etc. However, an important component of mindfulness is a proactive approach, rather than a reactive one. Grounding is great, putting your hand over your heart and focusing on it is good, but there is a lot more to being proactive.
Let’s look at the basics. Self-compassion is about reducing suffering. The mantra for self-compassion is an obvious one but so impossibly difficult to put into practice: it’s better to suffer less than more. We may be tempted to avoid what causes us suffering, but that leads to avoidance which is a level of suffering in its own right. Sometimes we have to expose ourselves to a degree of suffering to prevent another kind of suffering. Avoiding a painful meeting today may seem like self-compassion, but if you make your boss angry, you’re in for much more suffering if you’re ever going to show your face at work again.
For something to be truly compassionate (self-compassionate) we need to take both of these into account. When making decisions and thinking about different directions you may want to take in life, there are two key questions to answer. Asking them and answering them honestly is already compassionate.
Is this going to make me suffer less in the short term?
Is this a long-term road to less suffering?
Don’t try to give complicated answers, because those are not complicated questions. You either suffer or you don’t, so it’s a yes/no question. Reflect on any points of resistance, on any ands, ifs, or buts that may show up in your reflections and stay faithful to the question by answering it with either yes or no. Everything else is avoidance.
After that, if you need additional guidance, here’s how to go about understanding what you just did (question 1/ question 2):
Yes/Yes = Bingo!
Yes/No = What’s the point?
No/Yes = Tough, but good
No/No = Not worth thinking about
These two simple questions can get you into a lot of trouble. Imagine that you get a promotion that you dreamed about. But that means more work, more responsibility, and more pressure too. Let’s say you have two kids and a wife, so you want to spend time with them. Your wife also works, both of you have to pitch in and help with the housework. Kids are too small to do homework on their own. You look at these two questions and what do you get? A dark mirror, indeed. Give up on your dreams or live with the guilt of not being a good parent? What causes less suffering in the long run?
What makes these two questions so tough is precisely that they reflect all the strangeness of our choices and the unfairly paradoxical nature of our lives. Making a heartbreaking decision is often a road to less suffering.
Self-compassion is sometimes delivered with a sword.
